Tuesday, December 1, 2015

When nothing goes unsaid.


Have you ever puked on the subway? Well, not on the subway, exactly -- or the Tube, in my case -- but gotten that feeling of utter nausea, the kind that starts in your heart and the next thing you know you're running off the train to find the nearest trashcan, bush, whatever?

I have. This past weekend, in fact.

I went to visit some friends in London. London and I have had a lot of interesting moments together. Mostly brilliant. Some rather sad. London isn't a city where you have a mediocre time. It's really not. You either have the most magical time on Earth, or you end up puking on the Tube from sadness, or maybe you experience both in a mere 12 hours span, as was my latest adventure.

I could go into details. Give you the play-by-play of what happened. But I think there are some things that should be reserved for my personal memories... or until I'm a little bit less fragile.

But here's what I do want to say: if you have something to say, something near and dear to your heart, say it. I know my saying that probably comes as no surprise, I've had a pretty strong track record of doing just that.

This weekend I did it again.

And it wasn't pretty. It was full of ugly tears, confessions of love, and utter rejection. A lost friendship to boot.

(And some puking on the Tube.)

But I walked away with not a single regret, well, aside from wishing i hadn't done that type of sob where you can't catch your breath; the one that takes you back to when you were 3 years old and your mom wouldn't buy you that doll you had to have.

But ugly tears be damned, I regret nothing.

When I'm 40 or 60, I'll never have to wonder "What if I would have just said how I felt?"

I said how I felt. And that's all I can do.

That's all we can ever do.

Love, love, love. I'll keep on if you promise you will.


"I hope one day 5 years from now you stumble across me when I’ve grown out of you and finally then after not seeing me for all this time it will break your heart."



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8 comments:

  1. Oh sweet Anna! Thinking of you I ugly cried on the subway last weekend xo

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  2. I have missed your posts & your writing very much. Thank you for saying & writing the things that my brain just can't put into words. hugs & thoughts to you.

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  3. I did something very similar last year. I told the man that I had secretly loved for 2 years, who happened to also be my best friend, that I was in love with him, and that I thought that he felt the same, and that I wanted us to stop playing games and tiptoeing around this nonsense and try this out, to do this for real and see where it would lead. I put everything I had on the line, and he shot me down. He shot me down when I had never been shot down for anything that I had ever wanted and gone after in my entire life. It wrecked me and re-built me in the greatest possible way. He gave me the best gift in the world by not knowing how to love me, and by being terrified of me and not knowing how to handle me. We tried to stay friends after that, but it was short-lived and fell apart. We no longer speak to or see each other, and it was only after that -- when I had finally extricated myself from such a dysfunctional situation, that I found out what I was truly made of. I got a brand new job, I began volunteering with my favorite local charity, I began reading all kinds of books and essays written by strong, independent women, I took up yoga, I got back into painting, I traveled, I dropped several other friends and rekindled with some old ones and made some new ones in the process... I just threw everything I had into chasing my own happiness -- and it worked brilliantly. I was literally falling apart and managed to put myself back together even better than I'd been before. I realized that I was a whole, complete, AMAZING person, and that I didn't need a man to complete me. I realized what it was that I had learned from those two long years about what I wanted and, more importantly, DID NOT want in my future partner. I realized that when the time was right, the right person would come along... The person that was also whole, and complete, and happy, and had their life together -- the person that was actually capable of loving himself (unlike my old "friend") and therefore capable of loving me as well. I realized that grace and patience would be good lessons for me in the meantime, and I resolved to choose myself and happiness until the universe decided I was ready to share my life with the right person.

    On November 8th, I met that right person. Or at least, I'm almost positive that he is. It's unlike anything I've ever experienced and he just feels different than all of the others. Even the way things fell together was ridiculous and serendipitous -- and that in and of itself is kind of perfect, if you ask me. Meeting someone that your soul recognizes, someone that speaks to every part of you with every part of themselves... the "right" person... it's kind of a miracle when you think about it.

    So in closing -- I just need to tell you that I have so much respect and admiration for you. Not just because I love this blog (although I do) but because you put yourself out there in the most terrifying and open way, and more than that, you'd do it again. That takes such bravery, and I know because I've walked that same road. You gave yourself a gift by opening your heart and speaking your mind the way that you did. You took the burden that you were carrying off of your own shoulders and gave it to that other person to do with what they may, and now they have the responsibility of carrying it while you've been set free.

    I'm going to keep on keeping on, so make sure to keep to your end of the bargain and do the same. I can't wait to see what this year has in store for you. Huge kudos and lots of love. <3

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    Replies
    1. I can't believe I hadn't responded yet, but this is absolutely wonderful to hear. I'm so glad that you were able to be true to yourself. This is something I'll always come back to read. Thank you, dear friend. XX

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  4. see this story I so longed to ride the train. Nice to meet you

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  5. Sorry train ride, we can see the scenery outside. Of course it would be more enjoyable if there is someone that you love by your side

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