Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Some rules plus other things.

We talk too much.

This is what he said after asking me to call him. After he texted me the whole evening.

We talk too much? 

Yes. It's strange. I don't talk to my best friends as often as I talk to you.

I managed to stutter an OK out while hoping he couldn't hear my tears through my voice. 

I'll talk to ya in seven months then, maybe ten, who knows. Whenever. Whatever.

That's a bit harsh, Anna. Don't you think?

I'm merely repeating back your suggestion. It's what you want.

You make it sound so cold.**

I don't make it sound like anything except the truth.

**We debated this "our talking too much for an hour. Kind of defeats the point, wouldn't you agree?

I'm so tired of the norms and the insecurities and the hiding behind fears. I'm exhausted from reaching out, opening up, and being told that I have to "not care so much."

That's precisely what the world needs more of, not less. 

We need to care. About others. Ourselves. The future. The past. Being apathetic is not why we we're here. There's a difference among getting by, being cordial, and being apathetic. A time and place for each.

With relationships, I don't want to remain indifferent. One of the most important things in our lives, most influential, how can one remain indifferent? I cannot.

I've tried. 

I've attempted to live a life of being passive, going with the flow, playing dumb, and merely trying to fit in. It was one of the most miserable times of my life. I felt as though I was living one way on the outside, only to suppress my true self within. Never. Again.

And that's what I'm trying to learn and practice and honor this year: caring. Caring so much that I live each moment, each relationship to the hilt. We weren't put on this Earth to be robots. We are not Stepford people. I am me, and you are you, and we're here to help each other and learn from one another. How are we supposed to do this if we're all the same?

We can't.

And that's one of the saddest things in the world.

Do your thing.

Own it. Speak it. Live it.

And if your thing happens to be--gasp--caring about people? Care on, my friend. Care on.

Live to the point of tears.
— Albert Camus

I've used this disclaimer, if you will, in the past, almost exactly a year ago, in fact, but I stand by it to this day. Also, to clear up any misunderstandings about what I mean when I use the term "care" in my writing: *And let's not confuse caring for overbearing. Hand to Heaven, I worry so much about being "clingy" that I become the exact opposite. So it's all a bit weird. 

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  1. I totally agree with what you said in terms of caring.
    I believe, like you, that we are here to definitely care.

    Maybe your friend is just a little be more withdrawn,and expresses his/her care in other ways. I would like to believe that he/she cares for you as much as he can, at his current situation.

    Here's to you both. Only good things. :)

    1. "and expresses his/her care in other ways" you're so so right. I need to realize that people care in different ways from how I care! Thank you so much for your support, it means so much! XO

  2. This is beautiful. We do need to care more.

  3. ugh. i had this exact conversation with my *someone* about a month ago. then we go a week without talking, i heal and pick up again, then he's back with.. i haven't heard from you in a week? and we pick up again, talking all day every day. what is it about people!? i am the exact same way as you, i could have written the above. care on girl, and we will both find someone worthy of it!!:)

    1. Right?! I've done this song and dance before, and I just thought I'd/they'd outgrow it by now. But patience I suppose. And space. Or so I try and trust. :) XO

  4. i realized exactly this a few weeks ago when i, once again, thought: 'maybe i'd better let it go..'
    i don't want to let things go anymore. i want to stand up for what i believe, i want to fight for everything i feel is worth fighting for, i don't want this everlasting silence, i want to love out loud.

    thank you for this post :)

    1. Yes! Exactly! Love outloud--I want that stamped on my forehead. Perfect!

  5. I think this is the only post that's ever made me cry of all the ones you've posted! It hit me right in the heart!

    Thank you for this! For making me realize that I need to show that I care and not mask it with indifference.

    1. I hope some happy tears! At least a few! I always say that my mask is fogging up when I try to hide my tears/caring. So silly to do!

      Care on, my caring friend!

  6. This is so spot on lovely. I've been living in my relationship for the last few months trying hard NOT to care, trying NOT to be too much, trying to remain independent because previous relationships have fallen over when I haven't. But really- I'm so much happier when I just care as damn much as I want to.

    And I love that image at the top- it's amazing. No tears does not equal no sad. No sir.
    Alice xx | The Cup and Saucer

  7. beautiful. simply beautiful!


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