Friday, January 10, 2014

This new year.

New Year's Eve 2013.

If I said things were going just peachy at the moment I think you could probably sense the fact that isn't true from 10 million miles away. Things are tough. Yes, I have a job I am beyond thankful to have. Yes, I have family and friends that love me. Yes, I have a place to rest my head at night, a place to escape the plunging temperatures. 

But when your heart is heavy and your mind is racing with anxieties, it's hard to take a minute to enjoy much of anything. Especially when you try to focus on your breathing to deter panic attacks that are always one small trigger away. It's pretty scary. And the fear climbs on and clings to your bones like its your koala baby and its life is dependent on its ability to latch onto you. Maybe a parasite metaphor would have been more appropriate...

Here's a inconclusive summary of my mind as of late:

I miss Munich. I do. I wish I could have gotten my Visa. What if that was it? What if I won't find my dream job again? What if I'm supposed to be there, but I am here? What if I could have done something? Where is my life going? Why is everyone else so calm? How are they? There's obviously something wrong with my mind. I'm always a thought away from a full-on panic attack. I am bad at life. I miss him. I can see he wouldn't miss me. Does he? He might. Does it matter? Is this as good as it gets? Was that taste of my dream life just God being cruel? Do I really trust that everything happens for a reason? How can other people be so good at this life thing? I can barely function. I need to exercise more. That would help. I need to change. I need to figure out my life. Everyone else has it figured out. What can I do? I miss them. I want to tell everyone who has been hurting my feelings lately that they have been doing just that. But I can't. It's my own problem. I'm too sensitive. I miss Munich. I wonder what life would be like if I were there now. I have to stop analyzing everything so much. I haven't heard from them in a while, I bet they are mad at me...I need to change.

I think exhausting is too simple a word. 

Maybe you feel the same way? Or have you before? How do you get by? And, I'm truly stuck on this notion: Do you believe in fate? Do share your wisdom!


❝ … always rub honey into wounds instead of salt. ❞-- Meggie Royer
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6 comments:

  1. Awe, hugs from Washington. When I'm heavy-hearted with questions, I do my best to be still. And not be too hard on myself. I believe there's a reason for every season, and gifts in each one. Don't forget that there is something for you here, now. Xo

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  2. Hi Anna,
    First of all, imagine me standing in front of you and bear-hugging you now. As long you want. Okay?
    Next..Yes, I feel that way too. All those thoughts aimlessly boink-ing around in my head. It's exhausting. I don't think anyone has figured out an easy way out of this. But the important thing is to keeping living on through all of it. This, right now, is life. I know it sounds like a cliche. But they are cliches for a reason yeah?
    I know you like quotes. Here's one that made sense to me today : “I firmly believe in small gestures: pay for their coffee, hold the door for strangers, over tip, smile or try to be kind even when you don’t feel like it, pay compliments, chase the kid’s runaway ball down the sidewalk and throw it back to him, try to be larger than you are— particularly when it’s difficult. People do notice, people appreciate. I appreciate it when it’s done to (for) me. Small gestures can be an effort, or actually go against our grain (“I’m not a big one for paying compliments…”), but the irony is that almost every time you make them, you feel better about yourself. For a moment life suddenly feels lighter, a bit more Gene Kelly dancing in the rain.”
    — Jonathan Carroll
    I hope that will fill you with a purpose till you find another one.
    One day at a time. :)
    Love and laughter,
    Ananya

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  3. I cannot tell you how much I relate to this post. I wish I could give you some advice, but I'm stuck just as much as you are. I try to be present to each moment & focus on the small simple gestures like Ananya is saying - sometimes that might bring purpose or peace for a little while. & then I find myself in a panic again. It's almost the ambiguity of not knowing what will happen next or where I will be or if this is going to get better that is the hardest part. It is scary. & somehow slightly comforting to know that someone else feels the same way. & even more, that others have been here too. It makes me feel a little less crazy or that maybe I don't have to change as much as I think I do. Trying to remind myself not to pull on the threads before they're ready to come undone.

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  4. i believe in riding the waves, and letting things fall where they may. take time to care for yourself and enjoy the things that make you peaceful and happy. take care of your heart of gold, you have a gift! your path will open up before you darlin, it always has. xoxo a

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  5. I deal with anxiety disorder myself, but what has helped tremendously is counting my blessings and taking things one day at a time. It's hard. Because it's more than a mental game; it's medical. But it helps to coax yourself into positivity. And having security and a plan helps. But fighting panic attacks only make them worse. You have to ride the waves, examine why you had one, and make a plan to feel more secure in what you're doing now so you can ease those anxieties. It's a day-by-day process. I read my Bible and Demi Lovato's book 'Staying Strong' a lot to get through my problems. Plus my medication has kept me pretty centered so even though I'm doing a lot of big things like getting married and moving across the country and still not having a job lined up yet, I'm not even close to freaking out about it. I get nerves, but I used to have a panic attack about everything. It's nice living day-by-day, though, so I can worry about the present and not the future or past.

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  6. Hmmm, well a couple of things popped up in my brainy box here. These thoughts are more part of your mental illness than part of reality, which is something you pointed out in the first sentence. It is more your brain being naughty rather than anything actually going wrong or you actually have done something wrong. It's latched onto the Munich path and romantic relationships to make you feel anxious, because they are powerful things, but that doesn't mean that they are in fact anything to ruminate on. I find ACT (acceptance commitment therapy) which is sort of similar to CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) a powerful practice. CBT can be painfully exhausting. Constantly picking yourself up with falsely positive thinking- sometimes it works, but it depends on your mind. Right now, acceptance commitment therapy seems the ticket. It is about recognising thoughts as they float into your head but not identifying with those thoughts, not making those thoughts real. It's a lot more than that, and it is damn hard! So check it out if you haven't already- there would be psychologist throughout America who specialise in it for sure, it is as recognised as CBT. Make sure you are doing things that are known to trigger relaxation/good brain chems, and consider medication if you aren't on it already. I consider it all part of the toolkit for brains that want to misbehave. Anyway, I hope this helps, you certainly are not alone!

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