First of all, thank you for all of your support since my post last week. From emails and tweets, to every comment with suggestions and stories of your own struggles, thank you. You have no idea how much your outreach has helped me.
I've come to peace with a few things since last week's rather rocky happenings. Mostly, that I do, in fact, believe firmly that everything happens for a reason. I tried to deny this the past few months since my return and it has been utterly exhausting. Mid-cry last week, in the middle of the night, I finally admitted to myself that as much as I yearned to, as much as I fought to, I would never be able to change how people treat me, nor how things might unfold from other's behavior. However, I am in charge of the following: my behavior, and my reactions to what happens to me. That's it. The rest lies in the Universe. God. Etc. And holy moly, accepting this, realizing this, coming to terms with this... what a relief. I feel as though a literal weight has been lifted from my shoulders. But I have also started to realize how much of my own happiness relies solely on me.
So I've started trying to take care of exactly that: Things I can control. I spent most of the weekend watching movies I've been dying to see, writing lists of what makes me happy day-to-day, writing, focusing on my health, and meditating. It sounds all to lifestyle magazine-ish, I know, but it's been a game changer. My therapist, who, if I'm being 100% honest here, I hadn't seen for months because I was "mad at him..." even said he could feel that I had made a sort of breakthrough. You guys, I was in a fight with my therapist (unbeknownst to him). If that's not a sign that I hit rock bottom, I don't know what is.
So here I am, feeling admittedly better. Of course this feelings comes in ebbs and flows. Some hours, minutes really, are better than others. But the most important thing is I am here. I am not in bed giving up. Because for far too many days that's exactly where I was, exactly what I was doing. I am here.
I'm currently taking time to do things that used to make me happy, and it's one of those things where forcing myself to do them reminds me of how much I enjoyed them in the first place. Pinning, yoga-ing, reading... it feels good. Your mind has this ability to build on your unhappiness and convince you joy no longer exists. Try not to let it fool you. Joy is there. It always has been. It is our job to tackle it. Make it ours again. No matter how much our mentality may oppose this notion.
Beyond this, I'm back to keeping lists on what I hope for this year... last time I did this -- kept a physical list -- everything I wrote down happened. Just putting that out there. ;)
I've always been a believer, and I am realizing that I always will be. And I'm OK with this. Overjoyed, really.
❝ I still get very high and very low in life. Daily. But I’ve finally accepted the fact that sensitive is just how I was made, that I don’t have to hide it and I don’t have to fix it. I’m not broken. — Glennon Doyle Melton