Saturday, August 31, 2013

On hope and the topic of mental illness.

Mental illness is just one of those topics that remains a bit taboo though it's 2013 and it affects more people than we could possibly realize.

From depression to hypochondria, there is so much we, as society, don't understand. Of course not. It's not as simple as a diagnosing a broken arm, nor is it as commonly curable as strep throat. We aren't even sure if mental health is curable.

That's the thing: there's just so much we don't know.

But just because we don't know doesn't mean we can't try to understand, and even more so, sympathize. And for those of us who can, empathize.

So when I see insightful articles and essays being shared and passed around among the masses it makes me feel as though there is hope. Hope that the more it's talked about, the more awareness that is brought to the issues, the sooner we will be able to more openly discuss these hardships, the sooner more therapies and cures will be found.

Because I have been there; I will possibly be there my whole life.

So here are just a handful of aforementioned articles/essays I'd love to share with you. (These are the ones I had bookmarked here and there, so I know I am missing many that I had meant to save. Please share any that you have saved, or happen to come across, and I will happily include them in the list!)

On depression:
Adventures in Depression Part 1. and 2. by Hyperbole and a Half
At first, I'd try to explain that it's not really negativity or sadness anymore, it's more just this detached, meaningless fog where you can't feel anything about anything — even the things you love, even fun things — and you're horribly bored and lonely, but since you've lost your ability to connect with any of the things that would normally make you feel less bored and lonely, you're stuck in the boring, lonely, meaningless void without anything to distract you from how boring, lonely, and meaningless it is. 

On Insomnia:
In Which We're Up All Night by Elizabeth Gumpert
A cure that leaves you groggy or hungover is no cure at all. The point of sleep, after all, is that it is supposed to restore energy, and hope. It makes you alert enough to do things, and optimistic enough to believe they are worth doing. If you wake up feeling otherwise, what's the use?

On Depression after weaning:
The Two Hardest Months Of My Life by Joanna Goddard
One afternoon, while taking a walk along the Hudson River, I told my mom, who was visiting us, that I wished that Toby had a different mother. He deserved more, I thought. I felt like such a failure: I had always wanted to be a mother. I always had baby fever. I always looked forward to having children. But now that I had a sweet, curious, beautiful baby, I suddenly couldn't handle motherhood. I felt exhausted and inept. 

On Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD):
OCD: 'Clearly My Doctors Were Off Their Rockers' an essay by me about my OCD
This chapter had my name written all over it. At first I was relieved, and then I was mad. Mad that Barbara Walters had never even addressed the fact that this kind of OCD was real. And then I was even more pissed that I didn’t have the hand washing compulsions, because then, at least, people could see what was going on in my mind, instead of seeing me act normal, while my mind was full of intrusive, terrifying thoughts.


And, please, if you feel hopeless, remember these things:

How To Take Care Of Yourself When You Feel Suicidal
Just because your life feels unbearable now doesn’t mean that it will feel this way forever. Try to remind yourself of all the times in the past when you felt miserable and hopeless and lost and how each time, the pain eventually passed and life worked itself out — maybe not in the way you imagined, but things got better nonetheless. Now is no exception. This pain you feel can and will pass. If you give up now though, you’ll never discover that better place — so keep holding on.

Hope Is Real, Hope Is Near.

You are so loved.

"When tough times come, it is particularly important to offset them with much gentle softness. Be a pillow."- Vera Nazarian

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Wednesday, August 28, 2013

The post that almost wasn't.

[Munich. August 21, 2013.]

The time it takes to spill your guts--or perhaps the time it takes to summon the guts to tell your story--always differs from situation to situation. Either way, guts are involved and it's messy and makes you feel like your showing everyone your "insides" while everyone else shows their best "outsides." It's taken me a while to spill these particular guts of mine because in a way, I've been hoping for a different ending to this particular situation.

And of course, I think it's important to show the vulnerable parts of ourselves. But you surely knew that already. I write about it often.

My horoscope for this week from The Rumblr's  Madame Clairevoyant (though it's admittedly not based on much astrology, if any; and I am not a so much a believer of astrology; it's my favorite horoscope):
Taurus: This is a week for talking all the time; it’s a week for telling your life and telling your secrets; it’s a week for spilling everything you’ve ever kept inside you. It’s a week for talking things through and talking things over and making yourself heard. It’s a week for letting your speech go a little wild, for letting your speech show you things you didn’t even think you knew. Don’t spend too much time alone this week, if you can. Spend your days out in the world, spend your days talking, spend your days singing.
 So here I am, getting a little wild. With my words.

I moved back to Munich at the beginning of July. Oh the hopes I had! My new job was everything I had wanted! I found a dreamy apartment with incredible roommates! Oh the greatness. Oh the hopes. Oh how high, high high I was flying.

And then the company had complications getting my visa so I sat around Munich, waiting for the phone to ring, eager to throw on my snazzy new digs and nude heals and finally get to start work. As always, the longer I waited the higher my hopes flew. By this time I suspect they were halfway between the Earth and Mars.

You know where this is going, don't you? I knew you would.

Of course my company then, at the beginning of August, tells me they will need more time to try for a visa for me. So I should pack up and move back home. (As if I lived a mere 20 miles away, not halfway around the world, mind you.)

I don't know what devastated me more: the fact that I would have to say goodbye to Munich once again, or the fact that my dream was in the palm of my hands, and it's as though, finger by finger, it was pried from my grasp. The initial sobbing on the cool, hardwood floors was most likely because of my pride. My pride was bruised, and I felt as though I had been the butt of a huge joke. As the situation became more and more real to me, the more I realized that this wasn't a bad dream, or that I hadn't been the butt of a joke, but that this was my life, the more it hurt. The more I mourned for what was, what could have been. Trying to accept that this was somehow apart of my life for a reason and, at the moment, I have no idea why.

I do know that I'm trying to make the best of my time left in Munich. And I'm grateful I got to consult for such a great company for even just a short time. But I also know that my heart feels as though it's been stomped on. My dreams have been yanked out from right underneath me and it's a hurt you just can't explain. It feels suspiciously like a breakup. And I don't know how much more this battered heart of mine can take this year.

So, for now, I am applying for jobs back in the States, perhaps doing some more work for the company (but back home), keeping my head high, hoping that this will make sense eventually. In the meantime, it's one of those things you take day-by-day. Enjoy the moments as they come.

And pray to God this year will start to look up soon.

“You have so many layers, that you can peel away a few, and everyone’s so shocked or impressed that you’re baring your soul, while to you it’s nothing, because you know you’ve twenty more layers to go.” -Craig Thompson
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Tuesday, August 27, 2013

{Quote of the Week.}

“You know what’s really, powerfully sexy? A sense of humor. A taste for adventure. A healthy glow. Hips to grab on to. Openness. Confidence. Humility. Appetite. Intuition. … Smart-ass comebacks. Presence. A quick wit. Dirty jokes told by an innocent-looking lady. … A storyteller. A genius. A doctor. A new mother. A woman who realizes how beautiful she is.” Courtney E. Martin 
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Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Munich happenings.

 [Munich. August 21, 2013.]

1. Doner Kebab flavored ice cream is not for me, but when someone offers you a taste, you must at least take a chance. // 2. Surfing in central Munich, what else? // 3. What I'd give to know where "L+T" are now; how their love story is unfolding. // 4. Watching the people watching the surfers is almost better than the actual surfers. // 5. Munich is full of love it seems. // 6. What a day.

“Your dream doesn’t have an expiration date. Take a deep breath and try again.”
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Monday, August 19, 2013

Please don't mistake this for a 'vague' post, rather a 'more to come' post.

[Munich. Marienplatz August 18, 2013.]

These past few weeks I've been struggling with my balance of self and social media. (Using "self" in such a way makes me sound far more sound and in-tune with the world's energy than I really am. But let's go with it...) I love the idea of keeping in touch with a few taps of the keys and the double-click of the mouse. What a world to live in! People used to wait weeks, months to hear from their loved ones. For an impatient, riddled-with-anxiety person like me that sounds like torture. But this is the craziness that is this life: being a mere click away can cause fears, anxieties, and insecurities to rival message woes of time before. What's worse than an unanswered message you ask?

An unanswered message with a "seen by recipient" written next to it. That's what.

But I digress.

Writing a blog provides me with a whole new neuroses-filled grab-bag to explore.

Add to the Facebook status updates of engagements, babies, and new homes -- mix-in blogs of impeccable, dreamy lifestyles, and a dash of Pinterest delusion and you, too, would find yourself a heap of mess on the floor, same song on repeat (this one in particular -- Oh, God. Cue the tears even thinking about it) telling your roommates the blubbering they hear is your allergies, when your personal aspirations are yanked from your grasp.

I first thought to write things have been bad in the last month, but bad is such a lazy term and insinuates a plethora of situations that are not in, fact, happening.

I have my health.
I have my family.
I have my friends.
I am loved.

But I still am heartbroken over so much that has happened in the last month and I'm allowing myself to mourn what was loss: A lifelong dream.

And, when I'm feeling a bit less achy, a little less the-cool-hardwood-floor-against-my-cheeks-is-where-I-feel-safest, then I'll be ready to share my losses. Get over my pride. And accept this situation for what it is.

I teeter on sharing such sorrows here on my blog, for fear that it will seem as though this is an ode to "woe is me," however, I want this to be a place where I write my story, and my story is a bit shaky, at times cringe-worthy, full of love, and a whole lot of mistakes. But it's also beautiful and full of blessings, and most of all, it's a story in motion.

I'd be lying if I said I didn't sometimes sigh when reading other blogs and Facebook statuses, and I do hope their lives are as beautiful on the inside as they look on the outside. But mine's a whole lot trickier than that and I can't learn from anything if I pretend it's anything but.

What I do know is that I want to tell my story -- even with the heartbreak and cringe -- in all its glory.

P.S. Since writing this post I have listened to the Big Bird solo more than 12 times. Thank you, Big Bird, for your inspiration.

“It takes more courage to reveal insecurities than to hide them, more strength to relate to people than to dominate them, more ‘manhood’ to abide by thought out principles rather than blind reflex. toughness is in the soul and spirit, not in muscles and an immature mind.”- Alex Karras

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{Quote of the Week.}

And kid, you’ve got to love yourself. You’ve got wake up at four in the morning, brew black coffee, and stare at the birds drowning in the darkness of the dawn. You’ve got to sit next to the man at the train station who’s reading your favorite book and start a conversation. You’ve got to come home after a bad day and burn your skin from a shower. Then you’ve got to wash all your sheets until they smell of lemon detergent you bought for four dollars at the local grocery store. You’ve got to stop taking everything so damn personally. You are not the moon kissing the black sky. You’ve got to compliment someones crooked brows at an art fair and tell them that their eyes remind you of green swimming pools in mid July. You’ve got to stop letting yourself get upset about things that won’t matter in two years. Sleep in on Saturday mornings and wake yourself up early on Sunday. You’ve got to stop worrying about what you’re going to tell her when she finds out. You’ve got to stop over thinking why he stopped caring about you over six months ago. You’ve got to stop asking everyone for their opinions. F--- it. Love yourself, kiddo. You’ve got to love yourself.
-Unknown via Writer's Vineyard

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Sunday, August 18, 2013

From my personal archives: "Advice from a recent grad: What I wish I had known..."

[Graduation, May 2012, with Prof. B. One of the classiest, sassiest, most inspiring women I've had the privilege of having as a mentor.]

This is a column I wrote for our college paper, The University Daily Kansan, in 2012 for its Back to School issue. I wrote it specifically for KU students but feel college students from all over could relate to it as well. (At least, I hope so.) I hope you don't mind me sharing it... p.s. this is before the copy editor polished it. The online version is not yet available. I apologize for the errors.
As my time as a student comes to end, I can’t help but reflect on the past five years (victory lap!) while Vitamin C’s “Graduation” plays in my mind... I’m not going to put you through that, but I would like to share some words of advice.  
I’m going to go ahead and get the cliches out of the way first: College flies by. Get involved. Take advantage of the opportunities. Have fun. Study hard. Don’t take these four (or five, or however many) years for granted. Be safe. You will someday look back on this time and miss it. You will. 
Now that those are out of the way (yet, so very true) I am going to add a few of my own “what I wish I had known while at KU” lessons. 
1. The library has the best, I repeat, best resources. Learn how to use them. I’m not even saying necessarily for your projects or papers, but did you know they have an entire DVD section? Or an entire row in the stacks dedicated to Scandinavian Royals? Me neither. I didn’t know this until my last semester. They also have subscriptions to some of the raddest, most expensive websites and databases in the world. If you want a book, they will find it and help you get it into your hands. Any book. Even if it’s flippin’ Amelia Bedelia, they will make it happen. Explore your hobbies and interests now. You have the best resources to do so.  
Also, most of your Western Civ. texts can be found online for free. Most of them are public domain and can be found on google books or somewhere of the like. Wait until after you find out how much of your textbook you’ll use in other classes, then you can decide if it’s worth buying. You can always find rentable texts in different libraries and departments. Honestly, I didn’t use 85% of my textbooks.  
2. Eat at the dining hall. I know, I know, it gets old. I felt the same way. But oh, how I wish I would have listened to my older siblings when they said, “Enjoy it now, because when you have to cook yourself, it’s the worst.” Seriously. My sister would still own a pass to Mrs. E’s if she could get one for her and the rest of her family. After all, who could ever tire of a cereal bar? I think I’ll miss that the most... 
3. Talk to your professors. They are people, believe it or not, and (most) are there because they really do want to help you learn. And (most) are experts on extremely specific topics. And (most) want to tell you about what they know. Go to office hours, email them if you have questions. Know what is worth debating and what is not. That extra credit you turned in and got five out of ten, let it go. Unless, of course, they are blatantly wrong. 
4. Put down your phones and talk to the people around you. After college, you’re probably rarely, if ever, going to be around so many people in the same life stage/situation as you. Everyone is here trying to get a degree (and do so while making the best of it). We’re all on the same playing field--help eachother out. Meet people who are interested in your same hobbies. You may never again see people with the same interests on a daily basis. But don’t stick to only groups that agree with what you think or like what you like. Explore different groups and make friends with all kinds of people. This is how you learn. 
5. I think this is probably the most important thing I wish I had known: Take control of your course order. I wish I had taken more general education classes at the beginning and avoided diving into so many major-specific classes. I have more than 12 credit hours that do not apply at all to my degree. I should have been more open to the idea I would maybe change my mind (which I did, five times) before deciding on a major. General eds: Get them done. Tell your advisor you want ones that are general to many schools and can count for at least something if you change your major. Be smart about your classes. Be open to new majors. Don’t assume you will graduate with the major you started in. If you do, props. Major props (pun intended). I wish I had had my stuff together. 
But most of all get off the computer and go sledding on snow days, tailgate before games, and go to the Union movies. Because Facebook will be around ten years down the road (or so we’re told) but you won’t be on campus forever. Yes, we’re always Jayhawks, but it’s a rare time of your life when you’re surrounded by 25,000 others who hold “Rock Chalk” to heart.

I miss University more than words could ever express. This is a chapter I long to return to, but life doesn't work that way. All I can do is let those of you going into college or currently in its throws know that this is it. These are times you will miss. Be present. Cherish every single moment.
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Thursday, August 15, 2013

On this day in 2001.

My Mama and a wee niece Julia. July 4, 2007.

I'm not sure if I've ever talked about it before, but my mom has a brain tumor. She discovered it in the Spring of 2001, and after months of anxious waiting, on August 15, 2001, she had most of it removed. 

My brave Mama underwent brain surgery that lasted around 17 hours. It was unknown if she'd survive, and if so, the difficulties she would face physically. My mom, being the amazing lady she is, came through like a champ, with few side effects. 

12 happy, healthy years later we continue to be grateful for her good health and that she beat those stinkin' odds. 

We love you to the moon and back, Mom--or as the grand kids say--Grandma Peg!

God is Good.

Yes, my soul, find rest in God; 
my hope comes from him.
Psalm 62:5
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Off To The Races.

Had I known, I would have worn my big race hat! Next time, I suppose. Le sigh.
Hands-down one of the best mustaches I've ever seen.
The names of the horses were, by far, the highlight of the day: Smooth Operator, Cool Arrogance, 
Secret Gesture, Global Bang, Birthday Prince, and my personal favorite: Giant Cat.
If I were a horse, this would be my job of preference. Eating 24/7... leisurely working... living the horses dream.
Some of Bayern-Munich's finest players. They also happen to be some of Munich's finest foxes.
My winning ticket! I won a whopping 9 Euros for putting my faith in old Neatico. 
My roommate sweetly offered that I come along and attend the 2013 Dallmayr Horse Races with her and her incredibly kind boyfriend. (Note: How lucky am I to have found such awesome roommates -- with boyfriends willing to let me third wheel it to boot!)

It was one of the hottest days in Munich, on record, which to this Kansas girl wasn't too terrible. But golly, the heat took a toll on a lot of the attendance, leaving us with really great seats and a semi-relaxing atmosphere for me to learn the science that is horse racing.

Though I am a right crap better, I did have luck with the '"race of the day" and went for a somewhat of an underdog of a horse. (Simply because in the warm-up circle, I swear to high Heaven he smiled at me!--The horse, not the jockey.) And what do ya know? Neatico, my pick, came flying in out of nowhere in the last stretch and won first place! I made a scene with my hooting and hollering and dancing in the bleachers, but I couldn't help myself.

I won not only a free canister of Dallmayr coffee, but 9 Euros from Neatico's great perfomance -- and an inside look at the world of horse racing, which I have come to be absolutely fascinated with.

Needless to say, it was an adventure I'll certainly always remember.
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Wednesday, August 14, 2013

{Quote of the Week.} - My favorite one to date.

I actually attack the concept of happiness. The idea that - I don’t mind people being happy - but the idea that everything we do is part of the pursuit of happiness seems to me a really dangerous idea and has led to a contemporary disease in Western society, which is fear of sadness. It’s a really odd thing that we’re now seeing people saying “write down 3 things that made you happy today before you go to sleep”, and “cheer up” and “happiness is our birthright” and so on. We’re kind of teaching our kids that happiness is the default position - it’s rubbish. Wholeness is what we ought to be striving for and part of that is sadness, disappointment, frustration, failure; all of those things which make us who we are. Happiness and victory and fulfillment are nice little things that also happen to us, but they don’t teach us much. Everyone says we grow through pain and then as soon as they experience pain they say “Quick! Move on! Cheer up!” I’d like just for a year to have a moratorium on the word “happiness” and to replace it with the word “wholeness”. Ask yourself “is this contributing to my wholeness?” and if you’re having a bad day, it is.- Hugh Mackay
-Image: Baroque Down
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Thursday, August 8, 2013

Lessons I'm still working on.

"A high school teacher’s list of 100 wisest words."

1. There are plenty of ways to enter a pool. The stairs is not one of them.
2. Never cancel dinner plans by text message.
3. Don’t knock it ‘til you try it.
4. If a street performer makes you stop walking, you owe him a buck.
5. Always use ‘we’ when referring to your home team or your government.
6. When entrusted with a secret, keep it.
7. Don’t underestimate free throws in a game of ‘horse’.
8. Just because you can doesn’t mean you should.
9. Don’t dumb it down.
10. You only get one chance to notice a new haircut.
11. If you’re staying more than one night, unpack.
12. Never park in front of a bar.
13. Expect the seat in front of you to recline. Prepare accordingly.
14. Keep a picture of your first fish, first car, and first boy/girlfriend.
15. Hold your heroes to a high standard.
16. A suntan is earned, not bought.
17. Never lie to your doctor.
18. All guns are loaded.
19. Don’t mention sunburns. Believe me, they know.
20. The best way to show thanks is to wear it. Even if it’s only once.
21. Take a vacation of your cell phone, internet, and TV once a year.
22. Don’t fill up on bread, no matter how good.
23. A handshake beats an autograph.
24. Don’t linger in the doorway. In or out.
25. If you choose to go in drag, don’t sell yourself short.
26. If you want to know what makes you unique, sit for a caricature.
27. Never get your hair cut the day of a special event.
28. Be mindful of what comes between you and the Earth. Always buy good shoes, tires, and sheets.
29. Never eat lunch at your desk if you can avoid it.
30. When you’re with new friends, don’t just talk about old friends.
31. Eat lunch with the new kids.
32. When traveling, keep your wits about you.
33. It’s never too late for an apology.
34. Don’t pose with booze.
35. If you have the right of way, take it.
36. You don’t get to choose your own nickname.
37. When you marry someone, remember you marry their entire family.
38. Never push someone off a dock.
39. Under no circumstances should you ask a woman if she’s pregnant.
40. It’s not enough to be proud of your ancestry; live up to it.
41. Don’t make a scene.
42. When giving a thank you speech, short and sweet is best.
43. Know when to ignore the camera.
44. Never gloat.
45. Invest in good luggage.
46. Make time for your mom on your birthday. It’s her special day, too.
47. When opening presents, no one likes a good guesser.
48. Sympathy is a crutch, never fake a limp.
49. Give credit. Take blame.
50. Suck it up every now and again.
51. Never be the last one in the pool.
52. Don’t stare.
53. Address everyone that carries a firearm professionally.
54. Stand up to bullies. You’ll only have to do it once.
55. If you’ve made your point, stop talking.
56. Admit it when you’re wrong.
57. If you offer to help don’t quit until the job is done.
58. Look people in the eye when you thank them.
59. Thank the bus driver.
60. Never answer the phone at the dinner table.
61. Forgive yourself for your mistakes.
62. Know at least one good joke.
63. Don’t boo. Even the ref is somebody’s son.
64. Know how to cook one good meal.
65. Learn to drive a stick shift.
66. Be cool to younger kids. Reputations are built over a lifetime.
67. It’s okay to go to the movies by yourself.
68. Dance with your mother/father.
69. Don’t lose your cool. Especially at work.
70. Always thank the host.
71. If you don’t understand, ask before it’s too late.
72. Know the size of your boy/girlfriend’s clothes.
73. There is nothing wrong with a plain t-shirt.
74. Be a good listener. Don’t just wait for your turn to talk.
75. Keep your word.
76. In college, always sit in the front. You’ll stand out immediately.
77. Carry your mother’s bags. She carried you for nine months.
78. Be patient with airport security. They’re just doing their jobs.
79. Don’t be the talker in a movie.
80. The opposite sex likes people who shower.
81. You are what you do, not what you say.
82. Learn to change a tire.
83. Be kind. Everyone has a hard fight ahead of them.
84. An hour with grandparents is time well spent. Ask for advice when you need it.
85. Don’t litter.
86. If you have a sister, get to know her boyfriend. Your opinion is important.
87. You won’t always be the strongest or the fastest. But you can be the toughest.
88. Never call someone before 9am or after 9pm.
89. Buy the orange properties in Monopoly.
90. Make the little things count.
91. Always wear a bra at work.
92. There is a fine line between looking sultry and slutty. Find it.
93. You’re never too old to need your mom.
94. Ladies, if you make the decision to wear heels on the first date, commit to keeping them on and keeping your trap shut about how much your feet kill.
95. Know the words to your national anthem.
96. Your dance moves might not be the best, but I promise making a fool of yourself is more fun then sitting on the bench alone.
97. Smile at strangers.
98. Make goals.
99. Being old is not dictated by your bedtime.
100. If you have to fight, punch first and punch hard.
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Wednesday, August 7, 2013

“I feel like I’ve swallowed a cloudy sky.”

Munich. 8/6/2013

Haruki Murakami, Sputnik Sweetheart
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Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Saturdays At Starnberger See.

 [Starnberger See. August 3. 2013.]

The past two Saturdays my friend Leslie, a fellow expat from Paris, and I met up at the S-Bahn -- towels, sunscreen and heaps of books in hand -- ready to make our way to the beautiful Starnberger See (See means lake).  

The first weekend we went, our friend Geoffrey told us to merely "follow zee people". This proved difficult because seeing as how we arrived mid-afternoon, zee people were already down relaxing by the lake. So Leslie and I followed the road. Silly us. The road took us on the longest possible route to the lake. Luckily, this mishap wasn't all for nothing. We got our August's worth of workout in and we meandered past two gorgeous palaces along the way. (Oh Europe, you slay me.) So we forgave sweet Geoffrey for his less-than-ideal directions and just laughed when, right when we got into the water, it started pouring

That's kind of like life at the moment for me. Nothing is certain. Everyday brings a totally new adventure. And, when I least expect it, I will inevitably get caught in a rainstorm. 
I've found I can respond in two ways: cry in frustration; or go with the flow -- and just laugh

Laugh because once you start, you can't stop. Just laugh. 

Life is as serious as you take it.

The next weekend we had much better luck. We knew the way and we were prepared and ready to soak up the Munich sun. 

However, the guys, well, they couldn't even follow our detailed instructions, GPS and all, so they took the Starnberger See right-of-passage. 

And after they were hanging out relaxing with us reading, after ten minutes, they declared "We are so bored."

Leslie and I turned to each other and laughed, because what else can ya do?

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Monday, August 5, 2013

{Quote of the Week.}

"This is one more piece of advice I have for you: don’t get impatient. Even if things are so tangled up you can’t do anything, don’t get desperate or blow a fuse and start yanking on one particular thread before it’s ready to come undone. You have to figure it’s going to be a long process and that you’ll work on things slowly, one at a time."-Haruki Murakami
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Friday, August 2, 2013

The best thing he ever did for you.

I remember sitting on the floor of my niece's room, flipping through magazines while she twirled in her dress-up clothes and we sang to the Taylor Swift CD that was playing in the background.

I was so envious of the carefree look in her sweet five-year-old eyes and loved seeing her sincere little girl smile. A real smile, not a mere masquerade to spare those around of whats hurting inside.

My heart was terribly bruised because of a breakup, and I thought I'd never, ever get over it. Him.

After my niece fell asleep my sister Emily popped her head in the room and said something I'll never forget:
"I know it doesn't seem like it now, but you will get over him. And you will realize that you have the whole world ahead of you. And that you deserve so much better. Someday you will see that the best thing he ever did for you was breakup with you."
It's been three years since she said this and another two or three heartbreaks have occurred in the meantime. And she was right. (Oh older siblings and their always having wisdom that you hate to admit is brilliant. ;) )


So, naturally, when I read this essay it made me weepy, and a little nauseous, because some sentences, some of the excuses quoted, I've said those exact same words to myself.
You try to accept his lack of initiative to introduce you to his family and friends – “I should just be patient and wait for him to warm up to that idea.” You try to accept how he seldom texts you first – “It’s not that he doesn’t miss me or think of me; he’s just not the texting type.” You try to be okay with him choosing his other friends over you more regularly – “It’s fine, we both should have our own lives.” You begin to accept that he doesn’t really want to share his life with you – “He likes it more to listen to me talk; he’s a good LISTENER.” You think that it’s okay that he doesn’t want to talk about certain things – “I can wait. He will get comfortable with me soon enough.”
So, I want to get a microphone, climb to the roof of the tallest building in Munich, and read this essay at the top of my lungs. Because while the truth hurts---oh, how it can hurt--it also opens up the whole world to you.

That's what we all deserve in a relationship. Someone you love--and loves you--to share that whole world with.

For those of us not lucky enough to have mister-totally-wrong-for-you end it for us, I hope this gives you the guts to do the best thing you could ever do for yourself--refuse to settle.

And, to the misters who broke my heart. Thank you.
Thank you for realizing I deserve better. 

“Just because someone desires you, does not mean that they value you.”
Read it over. 
Let those words resonate in your mind.

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