Monday, July 29, 2013
Thursday, July 25, 2013
Slowly, even before you said "I don't know what I want."
Faster, when you said you did know, and it wasn't with me.
A bit haphazardly when you returned with need for closure, yet with a need for continued friendship.
And now all at once.
Because actions speak louder than words -- and words left unanswered say more than any words could attempt to convey.
You said you wanted a friendship. What you really wanted was a second chance on reserve.
And that's the opposite of closure.
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
[Munich. July 2013.]
Air Conditioning... I've always been thankful for your existence. I still remember attending elementary school late into May in classrooms with no air conditioning. (I cannot imagine how we coped, but we did. Enough to even cram 300+ smelly little kids into the gym/cafeteria for the annual talent show. That was dedication.) In Munich now it's exceptionally warm, well, not Kansas hot, but warm nonetheless. And with no air conditioning, well, I am a grumpy mess. So I salute you, air conditioning, for your consistent comfort throughout my life.
Ikea... I love ya, you know that, but for some reason you induce panic attacks that rival those of which I get while navigating Forever 21. And, having to take my goods home via bus, with two subway transfers, well, that induces a completely different panic attack. But, as always, you're totally worth it and my sad budget thanks you.
Tumblr... Thank you for providing me with hours upon hours of belly-aching laughter.
The Golden Girls... I've loved ya since I would lie at the foot of my parents bed every night and watch you after the news. I am re-watching every season and cannot get over how funny it is. I loved ya when I was 5 (though I didn't get any of the jokes), and I'll love ya until I'm 105.
First dates... you are a tricky thing. So, naturally, when I go on one with someone who only understands German, well you're nearly impossible. But thank goodness for the quirky chapters in my German book that covered such topics. I'm not complaining, I always like a challenge.
Last week's date... you were charming and handsome and perfect on paper. But, as it sometimes goes, our chemistry was nearly nonexistent. Which stinks, of course, but I am not worried for either of us. Sometimes, it's just not there. And maybe that initial lack of chemistry is something worth being grateful for. It saved us a lot of time and heartache, right? No hard feelings.
Lost iPhone... I miss you more than you will ever know, unless, of course, a miracle occurs. Which in my mind still isn't out of the question. **Waves up at sky to St. Anthony**
Being able to post .gifs in emails... this phenomenon changed. my. life.
My new roommates... I couldn't have asked for a kinder welcome, or greater new friends to have in this city. I'm so blessed I found you guys.
Mom and dad... I've said it once and I'll say it a million times over: Thank you. Thank you.Thank you.Thank you.Thank you.Thank you.Thank you.Thank you.Thank you.Thank you.Thank you.Thank you.Thank you.Thank you.Thank you.Thank you.Thank you.Thank you.Thank you.Thank you.
“She was afraid, and the afraid, she realized, sought opportunities for bravery in love.” -Lorrie Moore
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
Congratulations to the
(Or, one of my favorite names for them that I've heard: Bill and Cathy Cambridge. ;)
I must rest my vocal chords now since having squealed with every update since yesterday morning. In the meantime, this is me until they pick a name:
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
"It was easier than I thought it’d be."
“What’s the most romantic thing he’s ever done?”
“Oh God, he’s hopeless. During our first year of marriage, he celebrated our anniversary every single month.”
I took this photo just a few minutes ago. She was sitting outside of a bar. As I photographed her, she kept inhaling deeply, then exhaling slowly. “Man,” I thought, “I’m really annoying this girl.” Until…
“What was the saddest moment of your life?”
“The person I love wants to take a break. He’s still inside.”
"Do you mind if I take your photograph?"
"Are you working for Obama?"
No time like bro time.
I had heard of Humans of New York a while ago, but had never taken the time to actually look into the blog. Then, the other day, I came across it and read through it for two straight hours. It made me smile, cry, laugh, and filled me with so much hope and love for humanity. That's what the best blogs are supposed to do, right?
Monday, July 15, 2013
Friday, July 12, 2013
When I arrived in Munich last week I was lucky enough to be immediately whisked off to a village in the Alps for a work excursion. The scenery was astonishing, the people fascinating, and I couldn't have asked for a better start to my new job.
Then we came back and life resumed and for me this meant I was running paperwork all about Munich, living out of suitcases in a hotel, and trying desperately to find an apartment, or rather, a room to rent.
This all, of course, occurring among sights and smells and sounds that take me back to some extraordinary moments. Only after they take me back, they leave my heart in a puddle on the floor. So, I stop, pick up the pieces, shove them back into my chest the best I can, and continue on to the next meeting, rushing to so many appointments utterly baffled by the fact I continue to mix up "Platz" and "Strasse" (which, if you've lived in Germany, can understand how detrimental this can prove to be).
And then I decided to attend the disko with some new Irish gents from the hotel and we had a blast. As I was belting Journey's "Don't stop believing" at the top of my lungs I reached for my back pocket looking for my iPhone. It was gone. Of course it was.
I didn't cry. I was angry and frustrated and felt defeated. And I saw the guy who took it. I approached him and confronted him, but he didn't speak English and in what German he spoke, assured me he knew nothing. So I decided to let it go. I sat down and was so angry at myself. It's as though I just gave it away, the way I had carried it. I'm equally to blame.
The kind gents bought me an ice water to cool me down (literally and figuratively) and as soon as I went to take a sip, I got bumped into and chipped my front tooth. (Not so noticeably, but disconcerting nonetheless.)
So it's safe to say I got off to a rough start. I broke down Tuesday in tears and felt beyond lost. I cried and prayed and simply went back to bed.
The next day I received a call about a dream apartment with chic roommates and today I got my key. Yesterday I met new friends at the Biergarten and I am buying a new rug for my new room tomorrow.
Though I may have a wee chip in my tooth and remain absolutely devastated about the disappearance of my new iPhone, I must say I am over the moon excited about the way this week turned around.
After all, I still have my old iPhone (3 years old and still going strong!) and the other 3/4 of my tooth, my health, and rad roommates to boot!
And that nostalgic heart of mine, day by day, it's more and more faithful that the best is yet to come; that before was great, but was merely a sip of the goodness that is love.
Big love and kisses from Munich.
"None of us can choose where we shall love."
P.S. I did try the "Find My iPhone" app but was not successful. They have yet to logon using Wi-Fi... but when it does, it will alert them of its disappearance and then delete all of my information.
P.P.S. This was like medicine for my heart and soul.
Monday, July 8, 2013
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
I'm back in Munich. Yes, it's true. I'm just as confused by it all as you are. Well, that may be an exaggeration, but you know what I mean. ;)
The day before I left Munich in April, to return back home, I was offered a job in France. I was giddy and accepted. (Though completely nervous about the fact I speak no French.) I was also happy it was in France because during that time, Munich was a reminder of so much heartbreak, so I was prepared to turn down the job if offered, because I expected it to be in Munich.
And then, after a few weeks home, a few weeks of healing my broken heart, I received a phone call. "Would you be alright if we switched the offer to our Munich branch?" they asked.
And, before I could think, the words "Yes, of course!" came barreling out in one breath. I hung up the phone before I managed to realize what I had just said and told my family with a pit in my stomach. They were so happy for me. And, turns out, relieved that I would return to somewhere I have friends and speak the language. They rallied around me and convinced me that this was what I am being called to do. This is where I'm meant to be right now.
I believe things truly do happen the way God plans for us. I also believe that if you go with these things, no matter how confused or scared or unsure you are, let things naturally unfold, good things happen. God's plan for us is far better than we can imagine, so let him write your story for a while. Hand over the reins. He tends to steer us to beautiful places. (Like the time I went to au pair and ended up in a crazy family, but found my Northern Germany family and that's exactly what they have become to me; my family.)
So it dawned on me, I am so happy they offered me the job in France first, because I would have turned it down had it been in Munich. But now that my heart has become a bit sturdier, I am ready to be back. I am OK with starting a new chapter here.
And, less than two months later, here I am.
I'd be lying if I said it isn't a bit bittersweet. I passed by where I'd always meet my past love, our home-base. It shook me up. It made my knees weak, and for a moment I thought about turning right around and sprinting back home. But I didn't. I held my shoulders back and my head up a little bit more and kept walking. As tears stung my eyes, I was praying for courage and praying for comfort. I wanted to erase these things, but that's impossible, no matter how much I try.
It's scary. And exciting. And a hundred other emotions plus a few hundred more for which words have not yet been given.
But as I mentioned before, it's a new chapter, (maybe a novel). A new chapter and this is what God had up his sleeve. And that's what matters, because I figured Munich was a long way off (but I wear tee-shirts, so clearly I'm not as sure about what's up my sleeves).
I may get a bit sappy on here, more than usual even (!), so I apologize in advance. And, to be honest, hand to Heaven, I knew I could face this new adventure head on, no matter how bittersweet, because of your all's support.
I'd hate for anyone to pass up an opportunity out of fear, so here I am. Facing my fear head on, trying to inspire those who have been hurt, or scared.
Because you know what? I'm terrified.
I'm terrified but I'm here.
God circled on a map for you.
Wherever your eyes and arms and heart can move
Against the earth and the sky,
The Beloved has bowed there -
Our beloved has bowed there knowing
You were coming.
I could tell you a priceless secret about
Your real worth, dear pilgrim,
But any unkindness to yourself,
Any confusion about others,
Will keep one
From accepting the grace, the love,
The sublime freedom
Divine knowledge always offers to you.
Never mind, Hafiz, about
The great requirements this path demands
Of the wayfarers,
For your soul is too full of wine tonight
To withhold the wondrous Truth from this world.
But because I am so clever and generous,
I have already clearly woven a resplendent lock
Of his tresses
As a remarkable truth and gift
In this poem for you.
“And it's like some tiny nothing that sets off a natural disaster halfway across the world, only this was the opposite of disaster, how by accident she saved me with that thoughtless act of grace, and she never knew, and how that, too, is the part of the history of love.” -Nicole Krauss, The History of Love