Sunday, October 20, 2013

With a little help from friends.


A few weeks ago I received an email from a dear reader who was going through a heartbreak. She asked me for advice--which is beyond flattering--and this is the reply I came up with (after many drafts). I hope it helped her, I know that it managed to helped me.

Dearest darling, 
First of all, a big BIG hug to you. This heartache your feeling is raw, and you're such a tender soul right now. Take a second to breath, and know that you are SO loved by so many people. You got that, sister? Ok? Ok. :) 
Secondly, oh boys. And I say boys because I dated someone who sounds crazy similar to your boy -- and that's exactly how they behaved -- like boys. But we accept it, because we think they will turn into men sooner than later and the sad part is, sometimes they take years! Or never even grow up! But you can't let him stop YOUR growing because of his own issues.
Oh the being in a happier place than your significant other. Such a situation I have found myself in, as well. It's hard, because you and I are caring, encouraging people. We see them and think: Hey! You're doing great! Keep climbing! And they see us and hear: Oh hurry up! What's taking so long! Which is not at all what we mean. But again, they are boys who don't think like logical men.  
This may be the hardest part of all, but I am telling you this from the side of the heartbroken: cut off all communication. Hide his Facebook updates, delete his number from your phone, and try and explain to your friends that  you need to be away from him until you feel better.  In my humble opinion staying friends so fresh after a breakup never, ever works. With two of my exes--both of which I was head-over-heels--they responded to none of my reaching out to them after the breakup. I found this to be cruel cruel cruel. But, three years later, I saw one of them and thanked him for this time of healing. I THANKED HIM! Because he knew that it would just drag the process out longer.  It's like ripping off a band-aid. You either do it slowly and feel every singe of pain for each individual piece,  or you rip that puppy off and get it over with! I highly recommend the latter. 
I also want to point out that when things get serious, it terrifies boys, because they aren't used to feeling such strong emotions! So, to protect themselves, I am of the opinion that they run from anything to keep themselves from getting hurt. But this is not your fault, nor is it mine. It's just the nature of the beast. 
Take some time for you, let him see that if he really wants space, you'll give it to him, and let him see that the pain of losing you isn't worth it! And, if he still is scared, he's not the one for you. You know that saying "let it go, if it comes back, it's yours; if not, it never was?" I find that to be quite true sometimes.  
I know you and he have a love that is between you two. It will always be there. And it will always be unique to you two. That's the best part about love, there's never the same love twice, so you'll always be in each other's hearts! 
I hope this helps a bit, dear friend. I know this is very hard to believe, but your heart will heal. It really will! And you'll be stronger for it. But in the meantime, embrace your emotions. Please don't drink them away, because that only turns them into monsters. And love, eat, and stay healthy. That is so hard to do--ask my friends and they'd tell ya I'm the worst when it comes to these things--but please do. Take a shower everyday and buy yourself a fantastic new nail polish or lipstick. One that reminds you every time you see it that you're healing!  
So much love to you and don't hesitate if you need to talk!
Big hugs!

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And if you need to talk, I'm always here, dear readers.
After all, we're all in this together. 

xoxo

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