Monday, August 19, 2013

Please don't mistake this for a 'vague' post, rather a 'more to come' post.

[Munich. Marienplatz August 18, 2013.]

These past few weeks I've been struggling with my balance of self and social media. (Using "self" in such a way makes me sound far more sound and in-tune with the world's energy than I really am. But let's go with it...) I love the idea of keeping in touch with a few taps of the keys and the double-click of the mouse. What a world to live in! People used to wait weeks, months to hear from their loved ones. For an impatient, riddled-with-anxiety person like me that sounds like torture. But this is the craziness that is this life: being a mere click away can cause fears, anxieties, and insecurities to rival message woes of time before. What's worse than an unanswered message you ask?

An unanswered message with a "seen by recipient" written next to it. That's what.

But I digress.

Writing a blog provides me with a whole new neuroses-filled grab-bag to explore.

Add to the Facebook status updates of engagements, babies, and new homes -- mix-in blogs of impeccable, dreamy lifestyles, and a dash of Pinterest delusion and you, too, would find yourself a heap of mess on the floor, same song on repeat (this one in particular -- Oh, God. Cue the tears even thinking about it) telling your roommates the blubbering they hear is your allergies, when your personal aspirations are yanked from your grasp.

I first thought to write things have been bad in the last month, but bad is such a lazy term and insinuates a plethora of situations that are not in, fact, happening.

I have my health.
I have my family.
I have my friends.
I am loved.

But I still am heartbroken over so much that has happened in the last month and I'm allowing myself to mourn what was loss: A lifelong dream.

And, when I'm feeling a bit less achy, a little less the-cool-hardwood-floor-against-my-cheeks-is-where-I-feel-safest, then I'll be ready to share my losses. Get over my pride. And accept this situation for what it is.

I teeter on sharing such sorrows here on my blog, for fear that it will seem as though this is an ode to "woe is me," however, I want this to be a place where I write my story, and my story is a bit shaky, at times cringe-worthy, full of love, and a whole lot of mistakes. But it's also beautiful and full of blessings, and most of all, it's a story in motion.

I'd be lying if I said I didn't sometimes sigh when reading other blogs and Facebook statuses, and I do hope their lives are as beautiful on the inside as they look on the outside. But mine's a whole lot trickier than that and I can't learn from anything if I pretend it's anything but.

What I do know is that I want to tell my story -- even with the heartbreak and cringe -- in all its glory.

P.S. Since writing this post I have listened to the Big Bird solo more than 12 times. Thank you, Big Bird, for your inspiration.

“It takes more courage to reveal insecurities than to hide them, more strength to relate to people than to dominate them, more ‘manhood’ to abide by thought out principles rather than blind reflex. toughness is in the soul and spirit, not in muscles and an immature mind.”- Alex Karras

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  1. Oh, I know exactly how you feel. I have an incredibly strong love/ hate relationship with the internet and social media. It makes me feel SO inferior so often. For example- I was TOTALLY fine with being single- until I saw what appears to be my ex with the most beautiful girl in the world on facebook. I like making my blog a happy place. But I'm not sure that I'm a happy place right now- and I'm trying to work out how to balance this without making my blog an unhappy place. Sigh.
    Love to you. Go and tell your story. xx

    1. Oh Alice, it's so hard staying friends with exes for that exact reason. Especially when it's unavoidable. But chin-up beauty, that whole "unhappy place" is a feeling I know all too well at the moment. Big love.

  2. You are helping me stay strong as I go through one of the hardest things I have ever had to go I watch my entire life change to something that I don't like and it is all due to my own doing. A slap on the face that has brought me back to my senses a bit too late. I just want you to know that you are not alone in not being able to share things yet. I want you to know that I believe in you. Here's a virtual hug and lots of love, Anna!

    1. Oh Love, I don't know what it is you're going through but I know that it's never, ever too late. All of this, I try hard to accept, is about putting together all the little pieces that build this life, bring us to this moment. Oh, but accepting things is my biggest fault. I want control! I want to change the past!
      Such is life, you know? But thank you so much for your support, you will never, ever know the depths it's brought me back from.


  3. Thank you for writing this! I feel the same way about the social media. It is such a great tool, but it can be a bit torturous. I hope you are doing well darling. I don't always comment but I do read your blog and love your story. I know people say this, and I know it's cliche, but here it goes anyways: I am sure all the dots will connect and will make sense in the end.

    Hugs from Rhode Island.

    1. "Torturous" what a perfect way of putting it! I know if I look I'll be frustrated but...I...Just...Can't...Stop... oh some blogs unglue me. What a waste of energy, but oh, how I can't help myself.

      Thank you for always supporting my blog -- and the fact that someone loves my story, well if that's not reason to keep on sharing I don't know what is!

      And I'm a firm believer that cliches are cliches for a reason: they make sense and so many prove to be true!

      Big love to you, dear friend!

  4. Anna, you can always share with us and I'll be here reading. I don't know what you are going through. But I'm thinking of you, girl. Never be afraid to share your story, no matter what is in it.

    1. This. This reminds me of why I blog -- the support, my goodness. I'm a lucky gal to have friends like you. XO

  5. Aww I love your blog if only for the amazing quotes and amazing places you have gone. Keep it up you're amazing

  6. Thank you for sharing your sweet soul, Anna. I adore your blog and this little corner of the internet has helped me through so much heartache with your lovely pictures and comforting quotes and real and relatable stories. You should go look at some of the gems you hsave posted over the years. Maybe it will encourage and love on you like it has for me.


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