[Munich. Marienplatz August 18, 2013.]
These past few weeks I've been struggling with my balance of self and social media. (Using "self" in such a way makes me sound far more sound and in-tune with the world's energy than I really am. But let's go with it...) I love the idea of keeping in touch with a few taps of the keys and the double-click of the mouse. What a world to live in! People used to wait weeks, months to hear from their loved ones. For an impatient, riddled-with-anxiety person like me that sounds like torture. But this is the craziness that is this life: being a mere click away can cause fears, anxieties, and insecurities to rival message woes of time before. What's worse than an unanswered message you ask?
An unanswered message with a "seen by recipient" written next to it. That's what.
But I digress.
Writing a blog provides me with a whole new neuroses-filled grab-bag to explore.
Add to the Facebook status updates of engagements, babies, and new homes -- mix-in blogs of impeccable, dreamy lifestyles, and a dash of Pinterest delusion and you, too, would find yourself a heap of mess on the floor, same song on repeat (this one in particular -- Oh, God. Cue the tears even thinking about it) telling your roommates the blubbering they hear is your allergies, when your personal aspirations are yanked from your grasp.
I first thought to write things have been bad in the last month, but bad is such a lazy term and insinuates a plethora of situations that are not in, fact, happening.
I have my health.
I have my family.
I have my friends.
I am loved.
But I still am heartbroken over so much that has happened in the last month and I'm allowing myself to mourn what was loss: A lifelong dream.
And, when I'm feeling a bit less achy, a little less the-cool-hardwood-floor-against-my-cheeks-is-where-I-feel-safest, then I'll be ready to share my losses. Get over my pride. And accept this situation for what it is.
I teeter on sharing such sorrows here on my blog, for fear that it will seem as though this is an ode to "woe is me," however, I want this to be a place where I write my story, and my story is a bit shaky, at times cringe-worthy, full of love, and a whole lot of mistakes. But it's also beautiful and full of blessings, and most of all, it's a story in motion.
I'd be lying if I said I didn't sometimes sigh when reading other blogs and Facebook statuses, and I do hope their lives are as beautiful on the inside as they look on the outside. But mine's a whole lot trickier than that and I can't learn from anything if I pretend it's anything but.
What I do know is that I want to tell my story -- even with the heartbreak and cringe -- in all its glory.
P.S. Since writing this post I have listened to the Big Bird solo more than 12 times. Thank you, Big Bird, for your inspiration.
“It takes more courage to reveal insecurities than to hide them, more strength to relate to people than to dominate them, more ‘manhood’ to abide by thought out principles rather than blind reflex. toughness is in the soul and spirit, not in muscles and an immature mind.”- Alex Karras