Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Trying to tame your heart.

Clearly I am not doing so well at keeping up with my Lenten promise. But I'll tell you why I didn't -- couldn't -- write something for the other day.

I was exhausted.

Not physically; emotionally.

Because sometimes I get tired of hiding how much I care for fear of "overwhelming" the one for whom I care. What kind of relationship is that anyway? Toning down how much you care for someone? I don't understand. But if you read any magazine, book, any crap on "how to have a relationship," it always seems to say "lay low, don't show too much interest."

But what if guys are reading the same mumbo-jumbo and then at the end of the day we are all walking around with all these thoughts and emotions buried in our hearts. For fear of showing too much?

My God, what a sad way to live.

But it's exhausting because no matter how much I realize this, recognize the illogicality of it all, I'm far too afraid to go against the norm.

And I can't decide which makes me sadder: 
My lack of confidence in my self to share all the love I have to give--
or the fact that I'm so afraid to stand up for something I sincerely believe in, for fear of standing alone at the end of it all.

So I sat on my bed and cried. Not tears of sadness. Not tears of sorrow.Tears of exhaustion. 

Because sometimes I think trying to tame your heart is more exhausting than trying to tame a lion.

(But of course, I only have experience with the former--so I can't really say.)

To writing more and loving with all we have.

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  1. This is beautiful and so heartfelt. I also really, really struggle with putting myself out there. I've been in my relationship now for almost a year, and I'm still plagued by this crippling self doubt - am I getting too involved, should I pull back, should I make myself less available? We're all being bombarded by contradicting viewpoints of what to do, and you're right - it's absolutely exhausting.
    Thank you for your honesty - I really needed to read this and realize that I'm not going through all this alone.
    Here's to hoping you get some rest, love. xox

  2. Mental/emotional exhaustion is often more tiring than physical exhaustion. I've found crying to be the most tiring thing.

    On writing: I've gotten into a habit of writing in a journal every morning before getting dressed and ready for the day. I've found that turning it in to a habit get ideas going for blog posts later in the day. Writing and recording stories dosen't have to mean blogging, though we love it when it does.

    It's only the first week, keep at it.

  3. I've been reading a while now, but have never commented. I really enjoy your writing, and I wish all the best for you!

    I remember debating the exact same thing in my first serious relationship. Should I let him know how much I care or should I play it safe and hide it? But I decided on honesty, and about a month after we started dating I told him I loved him. Turns out, he felt the same way, and we got married about a year later! We've been married for a few years now, and I can't imagine a more wonderful person to share my life with! Even though I think things would have worked out no matter how slowly we took it, I'm glad I didn't waste any time letting him know how I felt. I think if the relationship is right for you and for him, being honest about your feelings should just make everything better, especially if he feels the same way. I know for us, by not holding back at all, I gave him the confidence to be honest about how much he really cared as well! :)

  4. I've been reading for years but rarely (never?) comment. Maybe once or twice long ago.

    Much love to you. I understand your exhaustion, and I hope that you are able to find ways to replenish yourself emotionally and mentally. I hope that you are able to be at peace that the best will happen and if things don't work out how you want them to now, maybe you are actually working your way toward something even greater. Take heart.

    Much love sweet friend.
    Maddison x

  5. Mmm I know what you mean about the tears of exhaustion. I'm so tired of hiding how I feel. I wish I was brave enough to just jump out and go "I LOVE YOU. Please love me back?". But yeah, maybe one day.
    And your comment about lion taming made me chuckle. Imagine if you had? Now THAT would be a cool story. x


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