Monday, December 3, 2012

“She wanted a smile that was meant only for her.”

"I think I'm most scared of falling for someone who is still in love with their ex."

The words I spoke at that moment were just as new to me as they were to you. I had no idea where that fear had come from--when I had developed such a fear. I truly think it was my heart trying to warn me through my own words.

"That's absurd," you replied.

I was relieved. A little bit embarrassed to have let something like that slip. Especially when you found it to be so "absurd".

It wasn't even a month later when I found out about her.

I found out it hadn't been "years" since you were last in a relationship. Not even months, in truth. Maybe even weeks, I suspect. But I can't believe anything you say, really.

Maybe I can't be mad at you anymore. Maybe since I was the one who so desperately wanted to forget it all. Forget about her and you. Forget about any of the lies and only remember "pre-lies" you.

So I forged on. I continued to chalk it up to a fluke; not the real you.

I can only be mad at myself after the second, third, fourth ... lie.

And I am mad at myself. And I wonder what kind of shape my heart has to be in to have accepted such lies and to have made so many excuses.

Not anymore.

You can call me at five a.m.

But I will not answer.

I deserve better. As a friend. As a potential Love.

But you do not lie to Loves, or friends.

So right now, I really can't consider you either.

Even though, in my heart, I wanted nothing more.

But not now.

Not anymore.

I can't deal with your lies anymore.
And if that's all you know-
well then I can't keep trying to trust you anymore.


I know you're a good person at heart,
and I forgive you.

But now I must work on forgiving myself.

“Life becomes easier when you learn to accept an apology you never got.” -Robert Brault

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  1. Here's the biggest internet-hug ever. From Cardiff to Germany.

  2. I'm currently in a relationship with a man who was in a 7-year relationship with a woman before. It gets scary sometimes, knowing that he had spent quite a long, long time with her. I can't stop worrying and wondering if he actually still had feelings for her. It's killing me everyday, so... I know how you feel :(

  3. Karen, Thank you so much, even internet hugs do the heart wonders.

    Darla, if he is honest with you, you have nothing to fear. If anything, he probably likes you even more since he knows what he hopes for, now.

    What's important is that you feel comfortable, too. Don't forget that. But don't let your head sour your heart. (It's so easy to let happen, sometimes. I especially knows. :) Big love.

  4. all of the hugs and love for you, my dear! you deserve so much more than you can even imagine.

  5. I'm sorry because no one deserves that and you have to tell yourself it will get better

  6. “Life becomes easier when you learn to accept an apology you never got.” So true.

    For me it got easier when I realized that I missed the person I thought he was, and the future I pictured us having together but not actually the reality of who he was. I'm sorry you're hurting.

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  8. Anna,

    This post moved me within my core. Your writing seems to do that lately; and your stories intertwining with mine. thank you, for your beautiful way with words, and your complete and total honesty.

    With love,

  9. you are such a special person, definitely hold out for the good ones because they are out there and i just know you will find the right one for you. and please forgive yourself you didnt do anything wrong.
    hugs to you xxxx


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