Thursday, November 15, 2012

Trying to find your footing.

{via: flickr.}

The feeling you get in your stomach before stepping onto an escalator or into a revolving door sets up permanent residence during your twenties. You have to keep with the flow. You don't want to be the one that misses the first stair--smacks right into the door. Every step before you is carefully calculated, dreaded.

To you at least. Everyone else seems to have it mastered; the art of stepping in, stepping up. You don't. Before you even try your mind is filled with terrifying scenarios you're convinced are about to come true. If only you could take the damn elevator, skip it all, including this dumb metaphor.

The hot mess of a metaphor I just tried to convey is my attempt at expressing how it feels to be among peers that are getting real jobs, marrying their loves, creating babies. They seemingly took off their cap and gowns after graduation and stepped right into the next phase of their lives. I applaud that. I envy that. I definitely didn't do that.

Instead, I feel like I'm merely an older version of the person I was 6 months ago when I received my degree. Nothing else has changed. Well, I moved across the world again. But sometimes I wonder if I maybe I moved again because it bought me more time to figure out what to do post-university. It bought me time, but it didn't slow down anyone else's clocks.

Rather, I am a million miles away, reading updates about how so-and-so just got a raise and your dog's cousin's best friend just got married to her best friend.

I'm trying to convince myself it's ok to take a differenet route, a different staircase. But it's hard to keep myself convinced daily.

So instead, I'm just trying to convince myself that it's ok to feel scared, anxious--eager even. Some days all that matters is that you feel anything at all.

Even if you feel like writing a terrible, terrible metaphor for a blog post.
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15 comments:

  1. Hey Anna!

    Just wanted to say a quick hello and let you know that you are definitely not alone. Jonathan and I are married and have a lovely daughter now and things may seem to be going as perfect as could be, but we still get our bumps and bruises along the way. There are still numerous things that we would love to accomplish in the upcoming years... we just have to wait for the right time. Juggling everything from daily schedules to finances can be a chore, but it always works itself out in the end... somehow!

    I do feel like other friends "have it all", but as long as you have the ones you care about most sending you love back, trust me, nothing is as catastrophic as it may seem ;) You will get to where you're going, just enjoy the ride along the way.

    I'm sure that you hear this from everyone, but life will come into focus just when you least expect it to happen... kind of like the way I tend to run into doorframes and trip over my own feet.
    Hope this finds you in good health and spirits! Know that I am thinking of you and sending you all the love in the world!
    xoxo
    -Pia

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  2. There is no perfect path, there is only YOUR path. And so far, it seems like your path is pretty great. :) But I totally get the comparing and thinking "am i doing this right?" It's terrifying but I guess everyone has to go through it at some point right? Keep pushing through girl!

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  3. This came at the right time for me. I guess there's something magical about your blog; I always seem to find the right post for my worries at that exact moment. I've just started Uni this October, but I'm already on a different route than my friends. I kind of reached the conclusion it's good being on my own path, listening to my heart. But I still think of the future; as in will I be the woman I probably really wish to be - a married one, a great mother - or will I just go with the flow and travel and meet people and just spend my youth years in more than one place? I don't know. I can't know. And, honestly, I don't want to know. That's what beautiful about life, after all, not knowing where it takes you.

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  4. well... what i tell myself is that in the long run we will be much happier, confident, women because we had these experience before we did the "normal" things. so when we have crazy children running around we will never regret not jumping on a plane and moving abroad... because, well we did do it!

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  5. Firstly, thought I should let you know I mentioned you in a post yesterday. love your writing and blog. Thanks for inspiring me to make a "this is the dream i'm working on" board.

    And as an almost 29 year old ... old lady over here in blog world. I can assure you that you're doing a great thing for yourself having hopped over to the other side of the world. It shows a lot of courage. I learned more about myself abroad than I did in college, at work post university, in graduate school ... That being said I know it's a weird thing seeing everyone checking these boxes off and go about life - you'll get to those days. all in good time. but i think you're wise to be where you are, and ask these kinds of questions, and go a different path. xS

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  6. I agree with everyone else... you always write things at the perfect time!

    You aren't alone... Any given day I see updates for babies, marriages, etc. And every day I think to myself... will that EVER be me? And then I try to remember that this is my path, and only my path. In an art group today, I talked about how everyone has their own journey. We read the book, "The North Star" by Peter Reynolds. Cute book, great message. Let's follow our own hearts (and stars!) and we'll surely find our way :)

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  7. Wonderful post.^^
    Maybe follow each other on BLOGLOVIN and GFC???
    My Blog

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  8. I can so relate to this post since I am a recent college graduate myself (yay class of 2012). I always wonder, will I ever get my happy ending? I stepped down the stage, diploma in hard, and much hasn't changed. It feels like the clock stopped for me, but its still ticking for everyone else.

    I think you have a brave young soul for making the decision to move across the world.

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  9. Your writing has always brought comfort to my heart. The truth and honesty behind what you feel - I feel it too. You're not alone, and I'm so grateful for your writing. xox

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  11. Ooh, I've definitely been stumbling on the bumps on my road lately, so this was perfect for me just now. One part of it is that I'm so darned impatient and love to plan the heck out of everything! It's a slow process but I've been trying to remind myself that sometimes the unexpected can only happen when you leave space for it. There are days when I almost believe it too. :D

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  12. Anna! Thanks. I am feeling it all as well today

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  13. To everyone who left a message from their heart:

    You have no idea how much your words have helped me the past few days. We will be ok. I know it in my heart of hearts. But I also know sometimes it's ok to worry.

    But today, today I move on from worrying--or at least actively try to abstain from worry.

    And instead of stressing and aching, I hope to stretch and grow.

    All my love to you.

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  14. Amen to that sister. Sometimes I can't help but wonder how it would have been if I had just kept on teaching and had a boyfriend, a house, maybe a dog. And then I snap out of it because quite frankly I love my life right now :)

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  15. I love the quote that says - God long ago drew a circle in the sand exactly around the spot where you are standing right now.

    It may not always feel like it but I believe it's true and it helps me to remind myself of that when I feel like everyone else is checking things off in their life.

    And also that especially in this online world we compare our worst days to everyone else's "highlight reel".

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