Monday, November 26, 2012

She forgot to leave room.

{Munich.November 2012}|
Once upon a time I was walking down one of my favorite streets in Munich when I felt an uncertain pang in my heart.

It wasn't homesickness. No, that pang I am very familiar with. It wasn't because I was nervous, or even because I saw a cute puppy and wanted to snuggle it for years. This was one I had never noticed before.

So I found the nearest (free) wifi signal and called him.

He didn't answer. I've always answered his calls. My calls? Well they are rarely answered.

I was alone. Utterly, and completely alone. Not because I didn't have friends that cared about me somewhere in the world, I do. And my family, they are always in my heart. But this time, I was lonely, for me.

The pang would not have ceased had he answered--no, this pang had possibly nothing to do with him at all.

That sounds incredibly odd. Bordering on obnoxious really.

But it was true. I didn't even have myself to turn to.

You see, a few months ago I met someone here. I met someone and I fell hard (after much hesitation, mind you). But of course, he had me convinced, and I was trusting, and I dove in head first. I gave every ounce of my energy to not only the "relationship," but to him. I have a history of doing this. And it's not like I'm trying to say how "selfless" I was or how "caring" I am. This is not what I mean at all.

It didn't work out. Well, things have taken a turn, and by that I mean I keep caring. Here I am standing, caring, thinking, and hoping. And him--well, I'm not really sure what he is up to--he suddenly doesn't have the time to talk or write. (Funny how when he wrote me--even at my most stressed--I took the time to answer.)

Maybe in time. Or maybe it just wasn't meant to be. Maybe it was yet another step closer to the real thing; merely another lesson learned about relationships.

While I am caring and give all my heart to all relationships--friends and loves alike--I sometimes forget about myself. So often in relationships I have thought, Well, whatever he wants to do, I'll work my life out around that. I can always change my plans.

That is bonkers.

That is absurd and I (we) need to give myself (ourselves) some flippin' credit.

We deserve to be thought of, cared for, and loved for our dreams and hopes, too.

I'm trying to treat myself a little bit better. And, as soon as I do, I'm certain the loves I encounter will treat me kinder, as well.

It's sad that this is something I'm really struggling to do; being kind to myself, learning to love myself.

It's even sadder that it is much harder said than done.

But here I am, trying every single day.


p.s. this is beautiful:


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15 comments:

  1. oh dear friend... we really need to figure out our visiting each other because i bet a full weekend could be telling stories of similar broken hearts, disappointments, and butthole boys.
    xoxox

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  2. beautiful anna. i have so much to say to you.
    my first love didnt love me back or give to me in the same way i gave to him. i tried and tried and tried to make a failing relationship work and he just couldnt care for me. and it hurt so much.

    just know we are all here for you. i know we havnt met yet and we are facebook friends, but i think we would get on very well in person and i want you to know you can always speak to me.

    take care of yourself lovely,
    eleanor xx

    ReplyDelete
  3. This is a feeling that I think we all know a little too well. It's so hard when you KNOW that the relationship just wasn't meant to be, or that you deserve better, or that you should just let it go, but you just can't or you can't stop thinking about it. Kudos to you for recognizing it and being able to put it into such beautiful words, but I know how hard it is to act on that knowledge. Best of luck and remember that while time may not heal, it does help...

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  4. what a wonderful and touching post! i love the photo; munich is such a beautiful city.

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  5. Anna-
    I needed this today. I am in the same spot-so thanks and please know this really helped me not feel so small this afternoon.

    ReplyDelete
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  7. Hugs, Anna. I know exactly what you mean when you say,

    " So often in relationships I have thought, Well, whatever he wants to do, I'll work my life out around that. I can always change my plans.

    That is bonkers.

    That is absurd and I (we) need to give myself (ourselves) some flippin' credit.

    We deserve to be thought of, cared for, and loved for our dreams and hopes, too."

    I've learned the hard way that it's very important to have an independent life plan. Life can throw us curveballs even when we're sure we have it all figured out, and knowing our life doesn't end with a relationship, that our dreams and hopes carry on, is important for healing with grace.

    I shall keep you in my prayers.

    Love,
    S

    ReplyDelete
  8. anna your post was reading my mind. I have often felt of a certain loneliness too the few past weeks. The part where you write, "So often in relationships I have thought, Well, whatever he wants to do, I'll work my life out around that. I can always change my plan" really hits home. I always thought I need HIM to like ME, so I must alter who I am (in a way) so that he will want to be with me...something I need to change and start thinking for myself. I once heard someone say, "when you go on a date (or meet someone), don't think "oh I hope they like me," instead think "I hope I like him."
    it will all be ok, somehow. you are not alone!
    xo, L

    ReplyDelete
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  11. Your story and it's reality, and its parallel to myself and my life brought tears to my eyes. xox

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  12. I hope there's still room for a hug all the way from Egypt! (and It would be great if we could meet while I'm in Germany!)

    ReplyDelete
  13. Oh, Anna. Your words are the words I wish I could pen. I am the same, and I ache with you.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Oh, Anna. Your words are the words I wish I could pen. I am the same, and I ache with you.

    ReplyDelete

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